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Home Journal Of Wasps, Angels and Field-Mice |
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| As I write this in the garden, on the day
we met in Amersham, the sun shines and there's a scent of fresh-mown grass, son William
having cut it as requested. And instead of a white feather, the angels have sent a wasp,
who nonchalantly sat on the book I am writing in [which I am copying from!] and washed its
face and paws before I had written a word, and didn't fly away until my pen reached the
point where it was sitting. Why a wasp? It's bizarre but they have become friends
(familiars, as the shamans might say) and the other day, joking to counsellor Bridget
whose new client had failed to turn up, I'd said, "At least you can curse the client behind his back, for you haven't had the chance to get attached to him." To which she replied, "I never get attached to any of my clients," and I believed her, because although she emanates loving tenderness in a mysterious way, there is also a detachment about her that is almost frightening. She like you is a nurse. So I rejoined, "As for me, I get attached even to a bee or a fly when it comes close." And I recall that Marian used to say that when a big fly blunders back and forth in the room, it embodies the soul of a dead relative paying a visit. Well, in the same way, the warmth of feeling I have had towards these flies, bees and wasps, as they settle near me on this garden seat in the sunshine, and which I feel also for them, is of course quite irrational, unless they are the visitations of friendly presences, i.e. angels. Of course I feel such presences all the more in human beings! I certainly will invoke the angels' help in small things! For life is made up of small things. And I realise that making closer contact with my angel is but a step beyond where I am already, or rather have been, for today in ASK - what a relevant name that restaurant has - I felt I was no longer glued together but falling apart painfully. I have been for some time in the habit of asking some inner sense before I make a 'phone call or do other actions to see if now is the time or if I should be doing that at all. Like consulting intuition to see if i will be auspicious. And in comparatively small things, (like jobs, money, relationships!) I pretty much have faith that the right thing will turn up at the right time. It's just in this one huge overarching BIG thing - my terrible health - that my faith so often is shaky, as again and again I am disappointed after thinking I was getting better; or I feel physical pain and other unpleasant symptoms; or I curse at my dependency on others, or my inability to enjoy some of the simplest pleasures, like walking. As I write this, a large cheeky fly - one of those with black and grey checked abdomen - settled on my notebook, said (in miming gestures) "Hmmm! Oh yeah?" turned round and flew off again. And I have not told you about the field mouse that I found one day in the garden, climbing the dense thicket of clematis, and nibbling the seeds of columbine whilst it calmly watched me with its big brown eyes. I feel foolish now, thinking how I recounted this story to a friend via email. I'm not sure that she understood, as I dimly did, the significance - sign-bringing - of this visitation. So as I sit here, my angel seems to be instructing me to focus on the little things, & let the matter of my health - a big thing, not fixed overnight - be looked after by trusty advocates who will work unceasingly on my behalf. I've always taken for granted that healers, or healing suggestions, will be offered to me as and when appropriate, and my inner response will distinguish those which may be useful from those which are not likely to be. "Angel Inspirations" - your book - at one point brought me to tears, sobs of recognition & I know not what - I am amazed at myself! I like the way it's simply written. I like its common-sense caution & its groundedness in spiritual law, rather than hype. I'm glad that Mary queen of angels, whom you commended, is more than just the mother of Jesus & a Christian icon. Driving back from Amersham, I felt that Mary, in her virgin, Christian form, might be too pure for me, as if she might not even see me, when I seem to be clouded in impurity. But that's the effect of my Christian upbringing, for I could hardly be more clean-living than I am already! To know that she was (is) also Ishtar, Isis and Diana the huntress makes her much more approachable and she is probably the Goddess who used to help me with advice when I was 18. So I started a new notebook today, dedicated to contact with angels. Perhaps a way to converse with them as well as record the fleeting impressions. I just really want to be a writer! My attitude hasn't been too bad till now, apart from my lack of faith. And I feel a change there. No white feathers have wafted down, even though pigeons have flown overhead lots of times in the last few minutes. But they don't need to. There's a feeling and it's going in the right direction. I smiled when I read about angels in human form, for you have been that for me today. I don't think anything else in the whole world, any belief system, any philosophy, could have given me a lift in such a simple fashion, as ANGELS! And yet the masculine part of me has wanted to dismiss them. "We men know how to get our hands dirty and fix things, whilst girls look helpless and hope for miracles." There was even a story in your book about a woman whose car breaks down and two men stop to help: "We are angels sent from God and he wants you to know he loves you." Imagine the typical man (e.g. the old me) banging his head on the bonnet when he looks up from the oily engine to scowl at the approaching strangers. Wouldn't he be likely to say, "Bloody Mormons! This is not the time to call. God may love me but my car won't start, so clear off!" I'd like in some way to work with you in the future. Ellen B - remember her from Wednesday evenings? - has her diploma now and wants to set up in private practice, & I want to support her any way I can. I'd also like Marian to meet you some time. If the angels do no more than calm my health anxieties, they'll be doing a great service. So this is copied from the first day's entry in my notebook, pretty much as written. I won't send you further instalments, but you can read the whole book some day! |
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